Why the blues again....

Had my bday yesterday. Another year older. But it doesn't make a difference actually. Just like any other day... Nothing special about it.

Just went out for supper and thats it. Didn't have many well-wishers but I guess, its good enough. I'm not too big on party anyway but ironically, I love it if people make surprise party for me. Hehehehhehhee..... But yah... I don't mind knowing that people do still care about me...

But I have one big early bday though... I am able to work already so today its my first day of work. Tiring and too much info I could handle at the moment. I guess like what Tingli was saying, I'm mentally tired. But I am physically tired as well due to late nights and early day due to family concerns...

I got a bad ending... Family stuff.. Couldn't believe that ever happen and I wish I could slap. I make a promise to myself that my descendant would not be like that. This promise I made has been for many many years already. Whatever has happened, happen and happening, history would not repeat...

Hurts

Felt hurt. Hurt from someone. I can't believe I can feel like this. My heart felt as if it has shattered to thousands and thousands of pieces. And it can be fixed like Humpty Dumpty. Damn it. Why do I always have to feel like this??? It hurt so much that I felt like ripping my own chest and squashing it in my own two hands. It hurts sooooo bbaadddd right now....

Urgh.... It is so cruel. Please let me go. Don't hold on to me. I can't take it any longer. This feeling... it is still holding on to me...

HOW....

I'm feeling blue. I don't know why but I do. What I want to do right now is to go out somewhere and have a drink, drowning my blues. I can't think of anything else to do other that. Or maybe should find someone whom I can really talk and cry. I just felt like to cry and this someone have got to be a guy. One thing, they can console me and the other thing, they can says whats what straight to my face. Unfortunately, none of my godbro are good enough to do this. Cahya is married and probably still on honeymoon, while Sebastian well, not entirely bro type but glad he is there once in a blue moon.

Read about Seb's blog about how everything have to do with money. I second to that. Money is everything to everyone, even the richest need money to keep them rich. I just want and need money to fulfill the basic necessity and enough to get me by even though I have scrimp and be stingy. What I want right now, I don't know how am I able to reach within my 1 year target. I can't and unable to do it. Unless, there is a miracle. Really big miracle.

Who does believe in miracles anyway? Do I? I don't. I can say I don't. Miracles only happen in fairytales, not real life. Miracles can only happen with what I can do with my able-bodied parts. What I can do right now is to wish and wish I could have a roof over my head on my own, with my own name written on the ownership paper. But look at me now, I have nothing. Nothing to offer. Nothing be proud of except my sis to back me up.

I want to stand on my own two feet and believe I could do better for my other family members but I'm not able to right now. How can I live if not for the better life of others??? How can I be happy if not for the happiness of others??? How can I be proud if I can't' give what I can... I know I can but how much can I give... How much can I repay?? How much can I repay all the kindness I receive?? How can I take and not give??? How much more time can I give?? How many times over can I give and repay??

Look at me.... I'm nothing and I have nothing. I only have words. Words that might be understood if not said. Words that can only bring me comfort that I have 'said' it. Words that I hope will be understood by others and understand that it is from me for others.

I'm sorry for all the promises that I can't never fulfill. I'm sorry for the pain and anguish I have inflicted on. I'm sorry for the lies and hurt. I'm sorry for being pain-in-the-arse. I'm sorry for my messed up personality. I'm sorry for my unreasonable attitude. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not giving and creating happiness. I'm sorry for not being there when needed. I'm sorry for all the troubles I have created. I'm sorry for all the things I have wronged for.

Now, I would like to give thanks. Thank you for the friendships and all the relationships that I made and created. Thank you for being there when I need it. Thank you for taking my punches, my kicks. Thank you for taking me to places which I wouldn't be able to see and to reach. Thank you for all of the care and love that was given. Thank you for all the giving and not taking. Thank you for being understanding. Thank you for creating colors in my life. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you for all the tears that was given to me. Just saying thank you to thank you is not enough.

All this is from the bottom of my heart and I hope all can be achieved and attained....

When will I get my pass????

Things happen since the last time that I blogged that I've actually almost forgotten what is it that happened. One thing, I got conned before I went to Indo. Hahahahhhahhaa..... a very big lesson learnt. Went back to Indo and meeting a lot a lot of people, which is nice and actually spending time to meet most of them but unfortunately still not enough time for me....

Worse thing is, I still don't have my permit yet. It is funny how even with the way the Prime Minister was praising and wanting to get more foreign talents but look at me... But I do know as well that at least 80% of Singaporeans says NO to it. Oh well, I guess Singaporeans here still rejects people like me. Thing is, they will get the job if they have the qualifications and actually do APPLY and wanting to get the job if they don't want people like me to steal all the jobs away.

I will wait for one more day from the MOM and if not, I'm sorry but have to harass the officer-in-charge. Just wasn't a good idea that they have made me wait for -gasp- ONE MONTH. Sorry to say, I don't think just to get through the qualifications and the applications, it takes more than that. I know there are a lot fo applications but I do know as well that they have enough numbers to tide them over. Better still, actually employ those people to MOM.