Life after school?????

Alone and very loney, I'm writing this. I'm glad that I actually have time alone by myself even though I do prefer with people. Have been going through some manic weeks but glad that I passed through it without any accident.

Speaking of that, I actually have a paper cut on my thumb. Was surprised to see the amount of blood that came out of it. Haven't been a wearing a band-aid for such a long time.

Been thinking a lot of what and where I want to work as my graduation is getting nearer and nearer with a prospect of the post-graduation stress... OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED. Seriously, it made me think about the future now. Really into the future.

I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what He had put out for me...

SAD mood...

I just got rejected from a job that I wanted... SAD

Tired...

Been so tired... Was in Caux and helping out with the International Day... But I had fun... Met with new people and it is really good to see the whole school busy with everything.. Haahahahhah.....

Bet with you that a lot of people wouldn't be in school on Monday. Too tired and still kindda still in trance... Hehehehheheh.......

Neeway, have loads of other things I have to do... So might not be blogging for quite sometime unless I'm beggining to be nuts again....

Me and myself

Been having such a lousy day..... I got pissed off by someone and now I have to hurt myself to get the irritatingness out. Yes.... I hurt myself. Its better to hurt myself than to hurt others....

Oh and I cried too... so much that I have puffy eyes too..... So much for calming myself down by hurting myself. If you don't see me for more than 2 days, try calling me... I might not be sane.... I might do something else.....

Getting cold....

Started to get cold here... Prediction: Snow on Friday.. BBBBRRRR...... I hate the cold. Don't know why but I know I'm gonna miss it if I go back to tropical countries.

Someone at home have problems of the heart, not love, and it hurts to see him like that. Unfortunately, I can feel what others are feeling and I will be sucked into the feeling as well. Its sucks... Can't help not to feel that. I think its in me... but I wish I can just don't feel. I want to be a girl who have no feelings at all... Why? Why? Oh why?

And its not only this guy, but also 2 others. Boy.... felt so tired because of this that I just don't have the energy to do anything huge right now. Damn it...

Flaring up...

Think having this internet 24h is not a good thing as well. It takes ages for me to actually connect but the convenience is there. I got flared up earlier, just because of this thing with the internet. Just couldn't stand the uneffectiveness of this cable thing. Make me look like an idiot...

Came back safe and sound from the wine trip even though got pissed off by a certain person. Someone should shoot her or something. So unreasonable yet, I couldn't help not to feel sorry for her. Then again, I condemn China's policy of one-child. This is what happen to those one-child family. Not all of them. Its just that there is these few that makes me to come into this conclusion. Sad I know but I don't care. They seems to make others feel that they are more important than anyone else.

Just a note to everyone, DO NOT GET ME PISSED OFF WITH YOU.... I'm a very strong and determined girl if you do that to me. My respect and trust for you, it will not be the same anymore. Remember that...

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.........

Headaches... Too many problems and too many things happen in just a few days. Damn it. It is so hard to live the last part of my studying life. Such an idiot.

Stressful... Help... Help...

I need flowers.... 2 roses... Just to bright up my day... Help...... ARRRGGHHHH.........

Pengen nangis....

Why am I a devil?

I felt so sorry after what I did. I'm so sorry. I felt so bad and so dirty. I felt so unreal. Felt so cheap. Felt like a dream. Felt like as if I can be torn apart and thrown away like a dirty napkin. I think I will know what to do. I will seek forgiveness in another way. If only I wasn't such a devil now that I can think of not doing it. Dumb ass...

A new year, a new resolution, a new way of thinking, a new concept, a new life...

In need of warmth...

Beginning to feel very emotional again. I'm missing my mom right now. Wonder how long before I see her again.

I'm going for the wine trip this coming weekend. I just hope my visa would take more than 3 months... so that I could go somewhere for at least a few days in other parts of Europe.

I want my whole life ahead of me to be as happy as I could and help those I want to help, but am I so vain to feel like that? I don't know. I never could understand what I want and how I am feeling anymore. I have been in a state of sadness.

Speaking of that, I went back Kwong Ming during the weekend. I felt so bad after that. Thomas, my boss, have seen me since I first started working with him and up till now. He kindda saw me growing up and I actually made him cry. He confess to me that he sees me being more cheerful and going back to my usual self again. I guess, in a way I agree with him. I have been in a sad state that no one have ever or would understand. Now, I have been more cheerful than before. I think since as well I'm more mature after all what have happen to me. But then again, is it a good thing or bad?

No one would or can answer it, even myself.

Lonely the path I have chosen...

Been fine these few days. Getting pretty emotional especially considering school work. Feel like killing myself. Anyway, one of my flatmates is sick hope she is fine though. Don't want her to get sick at all. See how nice I am.

Crazy schedules is up again. Been having loads of project again. Damn it. I have spending loads of money as well these past few weeks and more to come. I don't know why. Think been having cook-in too much at my place. Might not have anymmore of this due to the reports piling up.

I will try to do more sport on weekends after brunch, usually ping pong or kicking a sandbag. Was doing it last week and boy do I sweat like crazy.

I'm getting fat as well. Hahahhaha.... You know how I knew? We had measurement of gown today. We had to measure the size of our head, weight and height. I'm now 53.9 kg. I'm so happy. Think I should cut down on eating soon, coz I'm balloning fast, very fast. Maybe I will stop when I hit 55kg. Will see though coz sometimes it takes time for me to gain weight.

To that guy out there, I miss you so much and I wish you well...

Weird Night

Had a very relaxing day today, no stress. Hahahhahha...

Had such a very interesting night two nights ago. Someone asked me out and I'm sorry that I have to reject him. He is a very nice guy and very sweet. He is a type who would make a girl happy, but I'm not ready for a relationship. I feel so bad. And anyway, what would happen after my studies? I'm sure he is gonna leave and I don't know where I would be as well.

Its better that I keep away from guys and should stop giving the wrong ideas to guys. Hahhahhaha..........

Hurt me more people and I would be grateful...

Was just reading Ivan's blog. Think I felt as if I got a knife that drives through my heart. It hurts so bad and I wish I never read his blog. Reality hurts though. I did read his blog and I have to respect his feelings and decision.

Anyway, I met Daniel yesterday and talked about who I am and who I was. He told me that every semester, I go down and down. He hit the right spot about me loving relationship, loving someone to love and yet having no one. I don't deny about a void in me but I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to change something. I don't know already.

I think I have been hurt too much that I don't trust guys anymore, in fact, I trust gals more. You know whats the worst thing, I have actually thought of being not straight. But I know, I won't be one even though I thought about it. Something might change though... Hahahhahaha.....

I have been hurt too long that I detest being with guys other than friends. I have less and less guy friends and I'm getting into a point where I don't mind being alone. But, I'm afraid to be alone. I know I'm contradicting myself but I think I would know something soon.

Think I'm getting into depression soon especially with all the work load I have as well....