I AM UPSET...

Feeling very upset. Baby II is not responding to me. Why? Why? Why? Why do you do this to me???

Social Night....

Just had a social night for BBA. Was really good. Have a lot of fun. Really fun. Sit around with the program leader and Mr.Lim, who is always disturbing me. Hahahaha...

We had BBQ and some games; musical chairs (I know its lame but it is fun with loads of people), limbo and drinking game. The first drinking game, the leader of the group have to do scissor, paper, stone to choose who would drink. Our team lost so Karim, who is the other leader's group chooses Charmaine. Can you believe that?? CHARMAINE.. I'm surpirsed about her. This is the first year that I saw her actually drinks alcohol. The first time was in Initial. I mean, it was something.... Second game was when we have to pass a cup around to the end of the line. It was fun and we won. Then the other team have to drink a cup of vodka. Hahahhaha.....

Forgive and forget?

Feeling down suddenly. Don't know why. Feels so useless and so out-of-place. Why is it so? I don't remember any happenings that happen today to make feel this way. Is it because I miss someone? But I don't even know who is this someone... I only know that in my heart, I felt a tug. A tug that always makes me think about my ex-s. About how each of them does make a difference in my life but yet, I know in a way, I was hurt by them and they were hurt by me. I wish I can say sorry to them but I know it is of no use. What happened has happened. I can apologized but will they forgive and forget? As what everyone of us who have sensitivity, we might forgive BUT we will NEVER forget. To forgive and forget? Let this be a thought on each one of us.

Sammie, the Canada Korean born, is in dilema right now. Her boyfriend wanted to break up but she doesn't want. As what I gather from her, she wants someone to think about and think that there is someone out there to think about. I can clearly understand how she feels because I used to be like that and I believe that I'm still one when I couldn't help myself. I think I might know why I'm down. Its because I do understand her feelings and it gets me. Wonder why I'm always like this. To feel what everyone feels, which most of the time is the negative feelings that I feel??

You know, there are times when I think that I have been feeling my best and to feel the top of the world, and there are times when I just want to be on the bed, cry as much as I want and to feel loved by someone with his arms around me. Life is complicated... and what can't we as humans missed out?? LOVE... so ironic...

Sweet...

I got this from Sally and I would try to translate into English as best as I can...

---

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, tidak bisa memberikan alasan mengapa ia mencintaimu.
Dia hanya tau, di mata dia, kamulah satu satunya.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, sebenarnya selalu membuatmu marah / gila / jengkel / stres.
Tp ia tidak pernah tau hal bodoh apa yg sudah ia lakukan, karna semua yg ia lakukan adalah untuk kebaikanmu.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, jarang memujimu, tetapi di dlm hatinya kamu adalah yg terbaik, hanya ia yg tau.
Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, akan marah-marah atau mengeluh jika kamu tdk membalas pesannya atau telp-nya, karna ia peduli dan ia tidak ingin sesuatu terjadi ke kamu.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, hanya menjatuhkan air matanya di hadapanmu.
Ketika kamu mencoba utk menghapus air matanya, kamu telah menyentuh hatinya, dimana hatinya selalu berdegup /berdenyut / bergetar utk kamu.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, akan mengingat setiap kata yg kamu ucapkan, bahkan yg tdk sengaja dan ia akan selalu menggunakan kata2 itu tepat waktunya.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, tdk akan memberikan janji apapun dgn mudah, karna ia tdk mau mengingkari janjinya.
Ia ingin kamu utk mempercayainya dan ia ingin memberikan hidup yg paling bahagia dan aman selama lamanya.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, mungkin tdk bisa mengingat kejadian / kesempatan istimewa, seperti perayaan hari ulang tahunmu, tapi ia tau bahwa setiap detik yg ia lalui, ia mencintai kamu, tdk peduli hari apakah hari ini.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, tdk mau berkata 'Aku mencintaimu' dgn mudah, karna segalanya yg ia lakukan untuk kamu adalah utk menunjukkan bahwa ia siap mencintaimu, tetapi hanya ia yg akan mengatakan kata I Love You pada situasi yg spesial, karna ia tidak mau kamu salah mengerti, dia mau kamu mengetahui bahwa ia mencintai dirimu.

Seseorang yg bner2 mencintai kamu, akan merasa bhw sesuatu harus dikatakan sekali saja karna ia berpikir bhw kamu telah mengerti dirinya.
Jika berkata terlalu banyak, ia akan merasa bahwa tdk ada yang akan membuatnya bahagia / tersenyum.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, akan pergi ke airport utk menjemput kamu, dia tdk akan membawa seikat mawar dan memanggilmu sayang seperti yg kamu harapkan.
Tetapi, ia akan membawakan kopermu dan menanyakan: Mengapa kamu menjadi lebih kurus dalam waktu 2 hari? Dengan hatinya yg tulus.

Seseorang yg mencintai kamu, tdk tahu apakah ia harus menelponmu ketika kamu marah, tetapi ia akan mengirimkan pesan setelah bbrp jam.
Jika kamu menanyakan: mengapa ia telat menelepon, ia akan berkata: Ketika kamu marah penjelasan
dari dirinya semua hanyalah sampah. Tetapi, ketika kamu sudah tenang, penjelasannya baru akan benar2 bekerja /manjur / berguna.

Seseorang yg mencintaimu, akan selalu menyimpan semua benda yg telah kamu berikan, bahkan kertas kecil bertuliskan ' I LOVE U ' ada di dalam dompetnya dan Seseorang yg mencintaimu, jarang
mengatakan kata2 manis. Tapi kamu tau, 'kecupannya' sudah menyalurkan semua......

---

Someone who loves you, can't give a reason why he loves you. He only knows, in his eyes, you are the only one.

Someone who loves you, knows what always makes you angry/crazy/pissed off/stress.
But he won't ever know what stupid things he does, because what he did is just for your good.

Someone who loves you, rarely praises but in his heart, you are the best and only he knows.
Someone who loves you, will be angry or sighed if you didn't reply his messages or phone call because he cares and doesn't want anything to happen to you.

Someone who loves you, will only shed his tears in front of you.
If you try to wipe it away, you have touched his heart where his heart always beats just for you.

Someone who loves you will remember every word you said, even not on purpose and he will always use those words at the right time.

Someone who loves you, won't give promises easily, because he doesn't want to break it.
He wants you to trust him and he wants to give you a happy life and secure forever.

Someone who loves you, might not remember what had happened/special chance like your birthday, but he knows that every second he passes, he loves you, no matter what day it is today.

Someone who loves you, won't say "I love you" easily because he everything he does for you shows that he is ready to love, but he will only say 'I love you' on the special occasion, because he doesn't want you to misunderstand and to know that he loves you.

Someone who really loves you will feel that things need to be said once because he thinks that you understand him.
If spoken too much, he will feel that nothing will makes him feel happy or to smile.

Someone who loves you will pick you up at the airport with no bouquet of roses and calles you sweetheart like you imagined.
But he will takes your luggages and asked: Why do you become skinnier in 2 days? with a pure heart.

Someone who loves you, doesn't know if he should call when you are angry but will send a message hours later.
If you asked: why hours later, he will answer: when you are angry, any explanation is nothing. But if you are calm, his explanations would be understandable.

Someone who loves you will always keep everything you gave, even small letters with 'I LOVE YOU' is kept in his wallet and someone who loves you rarely utter sweet words. But you know, one kiss will tell everything...

---

Isn't it sweet?? I do. Its like one of the things I would love from a guy.

What do I do....

Taking a rest after studying for tomorrow's mid-term exam paper. Couldn't say it is easy but neither hard. It is a sort of very common sense type of subject. Sociology, World Cultures and Customs. Sigh..... Don't know if I will pass.

Worse thing is, on Tuesday and Wednesday, I have classes from 0800 till 1700, with an hour break in between for lunch. Come Thursday, I have a presentation on the subject that I choose for this subject. Indeed, I have no idea what exactly I would write but, I hope I won't be too exhausted to write my report and do the presentation.

I have been wondering about Melissa... Well, for one thing, she doesn't really opened up to me, while she does it to everyone else. I think I'm jealous but I know and understand that I can't force people to opened up to me. I guess, I'm not that good of a friend to her. Can't blame her. I'm not that trustworthy anyway. Hey... at least I didn't make myself sound or look good. I am what I am. For example, if I'm lazy, I would say that I am and never deny it, because thats ME. Fortunately, I didn't make it such a big hu-ha that I'm jealous. It is her choice and I have to respect it.

I'm beginning to go back to my 'sad' state. I hate that. Wish I can take it away. Like as if I have black clouds hanging always above my head. Right now, I'm troubled with finding a place to stay. I know I have it, but I wished for a bigger place where I can have my own room and such. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any right now. Of course, I have to agree with the price and everything but sigh... can't do anything much of it right now.

Bad Day...

Feeling very very tired today... Had classes for the whole day. 8-12 and 13-17. I didn't realize that how tiring these kind of classes would be. I think its all partly due to the fact that I didn't sleep pretty much. I'm so out of energy that I really feel that I would collapsed and would be unconcious for sometime.

My classes for this week is the same. Sociology. A very nice subject. Beginning to feel that I choose the right path for now. But then again, its still a new thing for me. Perhaps as time goes by, I would just hate everything. By the way, I'm feeling very lonely now. Yes, I'm with friends but I felt so alone and no one cared bout me. I felt so alone that even though I'm with friends, I would rather be alone. I don't know why. Why suddenly the change in me? Is it because I'm so tired? Perhaps...

Another problem....

First day of school. Nothing interesting except that we got 2 books for the whole 3 weeks. Classes starts officially tomorrow. Pretty hectic schedules... but I guess its alright. Can't help much with that.

Met new and old friends. Nice to know that there at least funny people as well even though I would prefer not to get involved with most of them.

My last weekend was a disaster. Didn't do anyting much except walking aimlessly. Was just lazying around and trying to find another place to stay. Sigh.... That is another problem for me. I hate it so much. I hope I can find something asap since I couldn't even find a place to put my clothes at my old place. Sigh...

Muacks...

Hey peeps... guess what... I actually stumbled on a revelation. Hahahhaha.... just something that came up to my mind as I watched tv serials here in Singapore. I was actually smitten by 2 guys, one from each serial. They have this charisma that I can't resist. Perhaps I think I prefer men like them. I can't resist these type of guys/males. They are so cool.

I would love to have someone who is broad-shouldered, polite and with manners, caring, sensitive... Yes, I know thats what every girl wants but I just can't resist the SHOULDERS.... I will just melt but of course, the owner HAVE TO HAVE a nice face to go with it... If I need to give an example, one such person would be Tay Ping Hui (is that how you spell it). He is just GORGEOUS... et malheuresement, je pense je l'aime. Mais c'est pas possible....

Anyway, I think this 'revelation' has made me think into a real serious relationship or in finding a guy in my life. So guys, if you think you are one of them, DO NOT HESITATE to contact me... Hahahahha... Sounds so cheap and low...

Contradict me people...

Went to watch movie today, 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. Yes it sounds like a kid's movie but somewhow, there are at least 85% of those who watched are adults. Guess there is still a child in all of us. A movie that is worthed to pay and watched in a cinema. Hardly that I can say that I enjoyed the movie, not because it is a kid's movie but the way it is brought out, unique and one of a kind.

I guess the director of the movie, in fact made a good choice to choose Johny Depp to star in the movie rather than 3 other people he had chosen to be, i.e Jim Carrey. In a way, Johny Depp knows or rather have the knack of just acting -or is it natural- unique, one of the kind and he just can bring out more out of a character that he acted out. I know that everyone who is an actor have to know how to bring out a character, but someone who can actually act natural and mesmerize people -especially me as I'm actually a critical person- in away that no one else can??

Perhaps I am biased. I can justify it. There are not many people that I believed to be a good actor/actress and when I do, I believe loads of people would believe me.

Ironically, that is how I see people as well. That I can 'see' who they are and I, unbelievably take advantage of these... Some people might call it a blessing to be able to 'see', but I think otherwise as at times, I would just go against what my heart tells me. As a result, most of the time I hurt myself, not physical way of course. Emotionally which I don't think good for me as time and again, I get into deep slumber of sadness which can taketh and draining me physically and mentally.

To salvage or not to salvage

That is the question....

Was just reading in on Sebastian's blog. He does treat me as a sister but sometimes, he can be dense, dense in relationships or what I always say 'ships. He is commenting about how he had lost touch on 'ships after 2 months of work and his buys schedules... Well, I could say that, one should know when to step back and think about their 'ships. To salvage it or not to salvage it. It is a question that should be answered by the specific individual but then again, to actually think about it, no one can do it unless being brought on light by someone else. Now the question would be, will that individual really think about it?

For my side, I do. Just yesterday, I found my cards and letters being given to me and being sent to me by friends. Letters that makes me laugh, cry, smile... Letters that signify that there are still people out there for me to salvage the 'ships. I also realized that there are peole worth looking and be found again. And that there are people who just doesn't worth the time and the effort... I'm not saying that I wouldn't do it, I would... just not this instant. So like I advise Sebastian, I would take a step back and think about my 'ships....

Anyway, will try to find where Edo is. His cards makes me think how fortunate I am to take him as my 'brother'.... He actually does care and misses me.... I miss him too... But -sigh-, me and hypocritical manner...

Its wiser to walk away...

Been feeling moody today. Don't know why when I actually went for facial. In takashimaya where I actually spent 90 minutes just lying on the bed and feeling the pain as they took out all my pimples, blackheads etc. OUCHY.... Then went for pedi... I actually don't dare to look at what did they do. Just wait for them - or rather her- to finished it up and to go...

In overall, I don't know how do I feel now. Mixed feeling... Feeling sad and down. Just suddenly think about some of 'ships that just recently happened. Feel so very lousy right now. Feel like nothing else is good to go on. Feels like I don't have any plan and future anymore. Feels like everything has been done - like Jesus said 'Its done' - and I feel that it is done.

My sis went back again to Surabaya and boy, I don't know how she can be here for a few days and the flies back to Indonesia. I don't know how she could leave her children here without any supervision. Sure she got me but, I'M ON HOLIDAY... Geezz, somehow I wonder what kind of a mother material of her. I would try my best to not be like that - even though my mind tells me that I would be just like her- and I know that my children WOULDN'T be like her children. I wouldn't say that they are not nice. Yes they are nice occasionally or when they want to but... their manners are so off and courtesy, not to family members which I think it is more important as courtesy starts from family...

Anyway, been having stabs of pain in my heart -not literary of course- and it does makes me so gloomy and sad. I think as what a song 'Tender Heart' -by Lionel Richie- says, its wiser to walk away....