Feeling low on feelings

Been finishing my computer project and boy, it takes time as I choose the right color for my background. Fortunately, it is done and since then, had been reading on Business Communication notes. Funny how I'm still stuck with the first handouts. Doesn't seem to move on but then again, it is quite thick.

Suddenly have a thought that flashes through my mind and this happens to me LOADS OF TIMES. You know how that if one person is coming, you are so enthusiastic that you wanted to tell the whole wide world?? Me too but the worst thing happen when I announced the coming of one person.

THEY NEVER SHOWED UP. It is so frustrating and I felt so bad and it does break my heart so. Felt like as if my heart just breaks into millions, billions of pieces. It is even worse if that particular person is someone whom I care and love a lot. This goes out to Ivan, Eko, Cahya, Jiazhi etc. Those I named are those that I remember right now and for those whom I didn't write down but you feel that you are, well.... you are one of them.

Oh ya, the third years are going to have a meeting. One of our lecturers got fired and I believe there would be more but I have no idea who would be the next one. This school is getting from bad to worse. All the good lecturers got fired while the non-experienced ones stayed. Boy, I really don't know what else to say about this.

Will update later after the meeting

Its Saturday

Today is Saturday and I have been doing a lot of studying for exams. Went for brunch and started to finish my computer project, a site about cats, but to no avail so in the end, at 3pm planned to go down to town, Montreux.

Went shopping for a while as everywhere closes at 5pm on Saturday and closes on Sundays. Anyway, had fondue for dinner with Melissa. Somehow, she is now my fondue khaki :) Its nice to have some khaki to do something with but unfortunately, I don't have a drinking khaki now. Quite sad. Those that could drink, doesn't like to go down to Grotto or either they are not here to company me.

Oh ya, I made 2 big portion of mocha. One for Billy and one for myself. For Billy is because Ann, the one who supposed to work in Coffee Beans, had to go down to the kitchen. Feels nice to handle the coffee machine again. Think I'm falling in love with it. For those who are not informed by me, I worked in Coffee Beans last semester so I knew how things work here.

It is more than 8pm now and I still haven't done my pages till the end. Sad right. Oh well, I hope I will finished by tomorrow as on Monday, I have to hand it in. I know it is sad but somehow yours truly, DON'T HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO DO IT, because sad to say, she doesn't have friends to company her.

Anyway, I remembered some arguments that I have had since I was young and it really shaped my thought about life, love, religion etc. One thing I remember most is one argument I had with Sebastian. I know some poeple had their own perception about religion but really, I thought that everyone is the same. I know that most perceptions about religion is that if you are not having the same religion as mine, you will not go to heaven.

God forgive me and also Sebastian, but I think it is bullshit. For one thing, I believe and truly believe that God wants us to treat others equally and love them like how each one of us love oneself. Think it like this, if we are not supposed to love each other, there wouldn't be any difference in religion and status of life to test us on love for each other. I know there would be a lot of argument about this thing but ya, this is the point. It will all comes back to - 'Love Each Other'.

But, I have to thank Sebastian as he make me feel that I have understood my purpose in life. My purpose is to love one another no matter their religion or whatsoever. I have a feeling that I could easily like one person and love them. I know there are people who thinks that I'm not like that but its alright. But then again, UNFORTUNATELY, I could easily hate one person. OOOPPPSSSSIIIEEEE..............

Got something from the net as I browse some stuff.
We spend so much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

I think it is a good reflection for everyone and I hope that I could remember this till eternity.

Sorry its me again :p

I know I just posted one blog but this is something that I want to share. It's a song that I have put on repeated mode over and over again. This is just one of the songs that potrays what I'm feeling right now. As with everyone, they have a few songs that potrays their feelings just at the right moment. Well, this is mine.

I'm sorry for those who are not Indo. This is a song by Glenn Fredly.

---

Sekali Ini Saja

Bersamamu
kulewati lebih dari seribu malam
Bersamamu yang ku mau
namun kenyataan yang tak sejalan

Tuhan bila masih ku diberi kesempatan
Izinkan aku untuk mencintanya
Namun bila waktuku telah habis dengannya
Biar cinta hidup sekali ini saja

Back To Top

Tak sanggup bila harus jujur
Hidup tanpa hembusan nafasnya

Tuhan bila waktu dapat kuputar kembali
Sekali lagi untuk mencintanya
Namun bila waktuku telah habis dengannya
Biarkan cinta ini... (2x)
hidup untuk sekali ini saja.

---

I will try to translate it to English.

---

Just This Once

With you
I have passed more than a thousand nights
It is you that I want to be with
But the reality doesn't follows

God if I was given a chance
Allow me to love her
But if my time is done
Let this love live just for once

Back To Top

Can't cope to face the truth
To live without her breath

God if I could change back the time
Once more to love
But if my time is done
Let this love... (2x)
Live just for once

---

I know this is a bad transalation but ya, this song has been in mind for some time. Can't describe how I feel when I'm listening to this song but, I felt like whatever and however I felt is pictured from this song.

Friends or Foes

Boy...... I REALLY REALLY don't know why I have weird friends. Weird in the sense of everything. I have friends who are bitches (yours trully included), who are irritating, who are bastards, who are making me nuts and everything else.

I wonder how my life spicy my life is with all this spices around me. Here I am, being very straightforward and true about my feelings BUT all I got only the 'I don't care about you', the 'Why should I care about her?', the 'Who the F*** she think she is?'

I'M SAD. But ya, couldn't do anything about it. I guess I would be just someone who comes and goes in each different people lives, which is good I think. Anyway, I'm a bit sad now. Just got so many news that affected me greatly. Like my school life, friends, MY FAMILY and MY FUTURE. I hate it so much. Wish I could shoot all these problems down.

Anyway, LIFE FOR ME IS GOING DOWNHILL and all the way down.

Friends, please take note. Yanti is not doing fine. She will ONE DAY, ONE FINE TIME break down and cry her heart out. Miss you all but ya, I know. We are so far apart but hey, where the heart is, it is always near.

Boy...... I REALLY REALLY don't know why I have weird friends. Weird in the sense of everything. I have friends who are bitches (yours trully included), who are irritating, who are bastards, who are making me nuts and everything else.

I wonder how my life spicy my life is with all this spices around me. Here I am, being very straightforward and true about my feelings BUT all I got only the 'I don't care about you', the 'Why should I care about her?', the 'Who the F*** she think she is?'

I'M SAD. But ya, couldn't do anything about it. I guess I would be just someone who comes and goes in each different people lives, which is good I think. Anyway, I'm a bit sad now. Just got so many news that affected me greatly. Like my school life, friends, MY FAMILY and MY FUTURE. I hate it so much. Wish I could shoot all these problems down.

Anyway, LIFE FOR ME IS GOING DOWNHILL and all the way down.

Friends, please take note. Yanti is not doing fine. She will ONE DAY, ONE FINE TIME break down and cry her heart out. Miss you all but ya, I know. We are so far apart but hey, where the heart is, it is always near.

Tired

Today is one of the worst day in the week. Just for information, this week is the 8th week and next week, 9th week, mid-term exams start. Bloody h***.

Haven't really started studying yet. I do study but somehow I take it lightly. Don't know why. Just lost the motivation that I usually have when I was in first and second year. Think I lost my marbles.

Dear friends, please pray for me. Think I really need some big huge push and some nice words to help me pass this two weeks. I think I might collapse anytime.

The worst thing is still having quiz this week. Managerial Accounting to be exact. Hate this subject after the change of teacher and I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Amazing right. I guess, if I fail on this subject, gonna do something about the teacher. But I really wish I could pass it. Wishing very hard. -fingers crossed-

Anyway, I might not blog when I don't have the time. Please understand the stress and me trying to survive this last semester in Caux.

I'm missing all of my friends. I don't know why. Just wish I could meet all my old friends and we could just have a chat. It would be nice. But, everybody is everywhere. Think most of them would be in Australia, easiest to get there to study unlike the States as well UK.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Learned something new. Learned it yesterday. Yesterday I head down to Montreux with some friends and were commenting on about decisions coming to study here.

Lindt and Edwin, were saying that In life, you never make a bad decision neither a good decision. I think this is true. I have never thought it as like that. Now, I regard it as we never really make a good or bad decision and all of this just another perception of life.

Perception of life. Yup. But no one can pin-point what is it. Everybody have their own perception on how they look at life and about other things as well. Life is what it is, it's just a matter of looking at the different angle, different point of view.

What I hate is if no one tries to see from different point of view or angle. It will create misunderstanding and fight. Which happens a lot in my family or should I say, between my sis and myself???

On a happier note, Yanti is feeling much better. Much better. Of course, poor Yanti have to avoid some people to keep herself happy and just be contented to be all alone doing things that she have to do, like now. At this moment, I'm seating on a couch of Coffee Beans listening to music and trying to work on her reports. Yes, thats right. Reports and reports.

I have so much reports to do, I don't know how should I cope. STRESS, STRESS, STRESS. HELP, HELP, HELP

Oh!

Just got this below from Eko:

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...



Something that I wouldn't expect a guy would do and say. From my dating experience, I always have thought that guys are mean, in a very possible way. Examples??? No way. Too many to write it out here.

To me, guys know what gals want or know what gals wanted to hear BUT, they wouldn't do it. I'm speaking from experience here mind you but if anyone thinks differently, please comment to me with examples. Thank you very much.

Right now, there are so many politics in the school. Yes, politics. Hate politics. Had so many things going around me that I don't know how to manage. Luckily, I have people that i trust to tell me the whole story short and to the point. But, I think I'm gossiping too much. Huahhahahhaa.....

Anyway, I'm pretty lazy nowadays. My reports are still keeping me on toes but, lazy me. I might start tomorrow. Tomorrow?? ITS FRIDAY tomorrow. But I don't care. I have more time on my hands right which is good. I can try to keep my mind on my reports, reports and more reports.

Moody for today

Don't know why but I felt so moody today. Was happy then, got suddenly depressed. I'm wondering myself why do I feel this way. Seems like I would have this kind of mood swing like at least once in a while. Like having PMS but this is so bloddy way different.

Anyway, it seems that this feeling of mine would last quite long. Hope you people can forgive me and glad to know that I can just don't talk when I don't want to. When this feeling hit me, I would just sit and and not talk. It gives me peace and comfort.

Torn

I was just wondering, what is love? I felt that love is about giving and receiving but somehow, the relationships I have been is mostly I'm the one giving. I wanted to be at times to feel special but it is just a wishful thinking on my part.

I felt that I can never last long in relationships which is true by the way, but I really wish I could. I wanted to feel that I feel needed but I never given the cahance to.

I felt so torn, so hurt but in reality, I can't do anything about it. If I did say something, I would be regarded as caging a free bird. Felt so shitty but nothing I do or not do, can change anything.

Wish he could tell me but I know that he will just kept it till he can't take it anymore. Feel like just disappering away and go somewhere else so that I can start from scratch but I will miss everyone.

Reports, reports

Having a hard time to keep with reports. I know I shouldn't write anything on this blog when I have things to do but, hey...something to keep me going on when I'm stuck with ideas.

Have been thinking to call back home but not sure when and worse thing is, financially drying but hoping that I would pass by without any glinch.

Internet is very very slow. Feel like killing Patrick for not been up-to-date with the net -hand holding neck-

Just wanna thank God for giving me all the people I can be with. I'm happy to have them around me and all those minuses and pluses are something that make me be adaptable to each individual. Glad to know that there are people that need listening ear and wish that I could be a help for them.

MMMmmmmmm

Just had a thought last night but now, it is lost. But then again, it doesn't matter. Who cares bout it. right??

Anyway, I just wanted to thanks all of my friends. Because of them, I could learn something new everyday. I'm glad that I could be the one who learns from my mistakes and glad that some disputes happen.

All of this that had happened, really shaped my thoughts and believe that lessons learnt aren't forgotten. Right now, I know I won't accept the lesson that I have to learn but in time, I will. I know I have rejected this lesson but I know that I would someday. Not now, not this moment but somewhere in the future.

Feeling Weird

This week is the 6th week in school and I found a lot of things that made me reflect back on myself.

Had a team role's test during Human Resource Management class. It is a test to see where you stand in a group. Basically, there are 8 different roles. I thought I was a 'Team Worker' but NO....

I'm a 'Coordinator' and a 'Shaper'. Says that I'm the natural born leader, not afraid of things and do make decisions after listening to everyone. Funny how I never thought or have thought myself like that before. But then again...we can't see ourself. We need someone to become our MIRROR to see who we are.

I'm beggining to see myself as I can trust myself to do things correctly but right now, I'm clouded by feelings. Feelings that is unexplainable with words but with feelings. Am I making sense?? But, if I make sense to myself, why not??

Something happen to a friend of mine but shouldn't made public. I think I'm beggining to understand things about love, relationships and being who you are. I can't explain it with words but my understanding is enough and I believe that not even one person in this life understand fully what is love and relationships.

For now, I'm happy being who I am and finding out what I can be and not. I'm happy to have friends around me and I believe that each of them are teachers to my life but it doesn't mean that I will like them all.

Oh well... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away . Thanks to William Khoo for telling me this. Its like seeing a silver lining from the dark clouds.